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- How Do You Honor an Abusive Mother? - By April Lorier
How Do You Honor an Abusive Mother? - By April Lorier
- By Wan Ibrahim
- Published 06/7/2008
- Other Spiritual Self Help Articles
- Unrated
Wan Ibrahim
Wan Ibrahim is the owner of MySpiritualSelfHelp.com, a website that was created to share the wisdom for spiritual living. He also shares his insights, tips and stories about happiness, relationship and success from a different point of view at his Blog - Detached, and in the context of spirituality at Personal Blog Section.
We just celebrated Mother's Day and I've been thinking about the years of struggle I experienced as I tried to find ways of honoring my mother (who never wanted to be a mother). She was, after all, an abusive and self-centered mother, thanks, in part, to her own upbringing.
I wanted to be God-honoring, but it was so difficult, especially as many of my wounds had not yet healed. Nevertheless, I prayed God would help me think of ways to honor her as the mother He gave me without allowing her to steal me from myself. Those who have been through child abuse that lingered into adulthood will unerstand what I mean. I didn't know where she ended and I began, so I had to keep my boundaries intact and not allow them to be trampled.
Mother's Day was always the worst "holiday" of the year for me. I would read cards, trying to find one that fit our relationship.
"You have always been there for me." Huh? No.
"Thank you for always listening to me." No.
"A mother is a gift from God forever." No, I didn't feel that at all.
"A mother sacrifices for her baby." No, definitely not.
"Thank you for your love." No, I never felt her love.
"To the one who knows me better than anyone." No, she didn't know me at all.
"I know I can always go to you for comfort and direction." Absolutely not.
"Oh, the wonderful memories I have of you." Oh, no way!
"To the woman I cherish because she cherishes me." Not applicable at all.
What was I to do? She was a woman of pride - not always healthy pride, either. She would definitely be humiliated when the other mothers at church asked her what her daughter sent her for Mother's Day. It would not be God-honoring to embarrass her like that.
Only a few years before I had begun to tithe to her (instead of to my church) because God had impressed upon me through His Word that I should not be like the Pharisees who made a big show out of bringing their tithes into the Temple, while they had needy relatives who were not being taken care of. Jesus called them a "brood of vipers"! So I had already settle that issue. But to not send her a card on Mother's Day? That would be flat-out
mean.
I have always taken great value in the value of words. I would never buy a card with words written that I could not mean. So, what to do?
Card-making programs had just come on the market, so I purchased one and learned how to use it. I scanned photos I knew she would love - like photos of my sister and I when we were babies, or photos of her own parents which I had learned to reconstruct in Adobe Photoshop version 3! (I said it was a long time ago.) I spent 2 months on a photo of her father that was burned on metal! Not any kind of photo paper, but metal! Now that's ancient! When I finished, it looked like it was taken the day before.
I bought photo paper and made the cards frameable. I knew she would treasure these photos!
Some times, I photographed animals - she was an animal lover, especially cats - and then I wrote funny verses to make her laugh. (She loved to laugh and had a great sense of humor.) Bit by bit, God showed me how to make her something that she could show to other mothers and grandmothers and be proud of. I was honoring her without being dishonest. It was very important to me, not to be disingenuous.
Years later, when she was killed, I was so grateful I had not dishonored her! Oh, what a gift I had allowed God to give me: no guilt! And He more than repaid me, which I have written about extensively in my latest book.
Bottom line? If you really want to honor your parents, God will help you find creative ways to do so. There's a promise that goes with that command: That your days may be long and prosperous. And they have been.
(c) 2008 April Lorier
Related Posts
APRIL LORIER - So. California. An award-winning poet, inspirational author and speaker. A survivor of both child and adult domestic abuse, April inspires women to be all that God designed them to be! She first gained recognition as a children's rights crusader while successfully fighting for the passage of the Child Abuse and Neglect Reporting Act (CANRA), which was signed into law by Ronald Reagan. Her book GOD'S BATTERED CHILD is available on her blogs and at online retailers.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com
I wanted to be God-honoring, but it was so difficult, especially as many of my wounds had not yet healed. Nevertheless, I prayed God would help me think of ways to honor her as the mother He gave me without allowing her to steal me from myself. Those who have been through child abuse that lingered into adulthood will unerstand what I mean. I didn't know where she ended and I began, so I had to keep my boundaries intact and not allow them to be trampled.
Mother's Day was always the worst "holiday" of the year for me. I would read cards, trying to find one that fit our relationship.
"You have always been there for me." Huh? No.
"Thank you for always listening to me." No.
"A mother is a gift from God forever." No, I didn't feel that at all.
"A mother sacrifices for her baby." No, definitely not.
"Thank you for your love." No, I never felt her love.
"To the one who knows me better than anyone." No, she didn't know me at all.
"I know I can always go to you for comfort and direction." Absolutely not.
"Oh, the wonderful memories I have of you." Oh, no way!
"To the woman I cherish because she cherishes me." Not applicable at all.
What was I to do? She was a woman of pride - not always healthy pride, either. She would definitely be humiliated when the other mothers at church asked her what her daughter sent her for Mother's Day. It would not be God-honoring to embarrass her like that.
Only a few years before I had begun to tithe to her (instead of to my church) because God had impressed upon me through His Word that I should not be like the Pharisees who made a big show out of bringing their tithes into the Temple, while they had needy relatives who were not being taken care of. Jesus called them a "brood of vipers"! So I had already settle that issue. But to not send her a card on Mother's Day? That would be flat-out
I have always taken great value in the value of words. I would never buy a card with words written that I could not mean. So, what to do?
Card-making programs had just come on the market, so I purchased one and learned how to use it. I scanned photos I knew she would love - like photos of my sister and I when we were babies, or photos of her own parents which I had learned to reconstruct in Adobe Photoshop version 3! (I said it was a long time ago.) I spent 2 months on a photo of her father that was burned on metal! Not any kind of photo paper, but metal! Now that's ancient! When I finished, it looked like it was taken the day before.
I bought photo paper and made the cards frameable. I knew she would treasure these photos!
Some times, I photographed animals - she was an animal lover, especially cats - and then I wrote funny verses to make her laugh. (She loved to laugh and had a great sense of humor.) Bit by bit, God showed me how to make her something that she could show to other mothers and grandmothers and be proud of. I was honoring her without being dishonest. It was very important to me, not to be disingenuous.
Years later, when she was killed, I was so grateful I had not dishonored her! Oh, what a gift I had allowed God to give me: no guilt! And He more than repaid me, which I have written about extensively in my latest book.
Bottom line? If you really want to honor your parents, God will help you find creative ways to do so. There's a promise that goes with that command: That your days may be long and prosperous. And they have been.
(c) 2008 April Lorier
Related Posts
APRIL LORIER - So. California. An award-winning poet, inspirational author and speaker. A survivor of both child and adult domestic abuse, April inspires women to be all that God designed them to be! She first gained recognition as a children's rights crusader while successfully fighting for the passage of the Child Abuse and Neglect Reporting Act (CANRA), which was signed into law by Ronald Reagan. Her book GOD'S BATTERED CHILD is available on her blogs and at online retailers.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com
Wan Ibrahim
Wan Ibrahim is the owner of MySpiritualSelfHelp.com, a website that was created to share the wisdom for spiritual living. He also shares his insights, tips and stories about happiness, relationship and success from a different point of view at his Blog - Detached, and in the context of spirituality at Personal Blog Section.
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